Today is Thanksgiving and here are some of the reasons I’m thankful this year:

My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - who died to save me even tho I didn’t deserve it.

My husband Steve - a wonderful, loving man who puts up with my foibles and craziness and loves me all the more for it.  He’s helped me overcome a lot of my past that was still hurting me.

My parents - who’ve loved me and supported me all my life and who continue to support me as I grow and change.

My church - a place where I feel like I’m at home and I can worship my God with joy and celebrate my faith fearlessly.

My small group - a wonderful group of people who have seen me grow and change this last year and  who continue to show me their honesty in ways that I’m still in awe of.

Finally, I’m thankful for my life - In the past I’ve traveled the world, I’ve been a teacher, an editor, a Peace Corps Volunteer, a missionary.  Now I’m a wife, a student, a teacher (again) and mostly I’m a person who’s loving life and learning about what it means to be a child of God.

Yesterday I had an “oh my God” moment - I realized that the day my sister died passed by and I didn’t even think about it.  She died 10 years ago November 12 as a result of injuries from getting hit by a drunk driver.

I have to admit that it was weird for me to not think about it.  I was also in the same accident - I was the driver - and I’ve carried a lot of guilt over the years for the accident.

Over the last year or so, Steve’s been helping me deal with that guilt - I was driving and I turned left at a light - this guy switched lanes on a yellow light and blasted through and hit us.  But I felt that if I hadn’t been rushing it - the accident wouldn’t have happened - and the courts agreed - I was found guilty of failure to yield (and that didn’t help the guilt that I was feeling either).   Anyway, over the last year, I’ve been talking with Steve and praying a lot - and I’ve come to realize that the guilt I was feeling isn’t necessary or appropriate any longer.

That’s a big step for me because the accident happened in 1994 and Kerry died in 1997 - and I’ve been carrying this feeling for the better part of 13 years.  When I realized that I didn’t need to carry this load - I could give it to God - I felt so free!!!!

That’s why yesterday was such an amazing thing for me - I didn’t even think about Kerry on the 10th anniversary of the day she died.  Usually I get depressed and miss her a lot (especially this time of the year - since the accident happened on December 23) and I spend a lot of time beating myself up over her death.

I’ve finally let go of that guilt and can move on and continue to become the woman that God’s calling me to be. What a wonderful feeling!

Okay, I have to admit - I haven’t always been the greatest sister in the world.  I picked on my two younger sisters when I was a teen - I didn’t get along with them at all until I was out of college.  Unfortunately by that time, my youngest sister - H was holding a grudge about the way I had treated her.  She held that grudge until about 4 years ago when she was pregnant with her first child.  I tried repeatedly for years to build a better relationship with her but it wasn’t until she was pregnant that she made an overture to me.  Since then I’ve noticed that I’m still the one doing the reaching out - trying to stay in contact - trying to build the relationship.  And I’ve finally had enough!

Two days ago, I called my sister to talk to her about Thanksgiving - I wanted to know if they were bringing their dog with them - Bubba is a pitbull/lab mix who’s very protective of her two kids.  I have a greyhound who’s totally laid back and I wanted to bring him with us to Thanksgiving.  H feels that Bubba will attack my dog, Cairo and so she said I shouldn’t bring him … to make a long story shorter - she didn’t want to do anything that amounted to compromise.  So I’m not bringing Cairo.

Then the conversation went to the family picture - she wants us to do white t-shirts and blue jeans - the whole family to do white t-shirts and blue jeans - I think it’s kind of dorky and besides I don’t look good in white.  So when I suggested a different color shirt she got huffy and said she had already bought the t-shirts for the kids and didn’t want to go buy more shirts.   I realized then that I really didn’t feel free to tell her to stuff it and just deal with it.  I also realized that my entire family has been walking on eggshells for years in case H gets mad and doesn’t want to talk to us any longer.

I decided that I’ve had enough.  I’ve been co-dependent for a very long time and I’m finally breaking the cycle with my mom - and now I’ve got to do it with my sister too.  In some ways it’s kind of funny - I’ve come to realize that I don’t really let my birth family know what I’m really thinking because I’m afraid that they won’t like me anymore … and you know what??? I don’t care anymore.  If they don’t like me … it’s because I’m not giving in to their every demand anymore and that feels pretty good to me.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today.

Well, yesterday I took a big step (at least for me) toward becoming an elementary school teacher.  I’m already in a certification/master’s degree program to become a teacher - but yesterday was another big step.  Ready for it …

I got my fingerprints taken so I can get a fingerprint card …
(i.e. I’m having a police/fbi background check to verify that I’m me and that I’m not a criminal- this is my second fbi background check - I have to admit - I’m curious to see what’s in my fbi file …)

Then when I get the card (3-6 weeks) I’ll go get my substitute teaching certification and become a sub … I’m a bit nervous about this … I was talking with my friend Sara S, a teacher, about it and she feels that I’m ready to start subbing, though this may have more to do with her wanting me to sub for her whenever she needs it since I already know all her kids.

I guess part of the reason I’m not so sure of myself on this is because I’ve been out of the classroom for about 7-1/2 years and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my self confidence in that area.  I’ve been interning in Sara’s class for about a year now and while I’ve learned a lot … part of me feels like there’s so much more to learn.

I guess I have to trust those who know me well cuz I can’t really gauge myself in this instance.

Well - last night was another night of getting hit by a 2 X 4 - only this time it was really Steve’s turn.

Let me back up a bit and start with Saturday night, for some weird and unknown reason, Steve and I seem to have the most serious discussions just before we go to sleep. This time the discussion was about how I was holding a lot of stress and worry inside and not sharing it with him. Over the last 4 months, I’ve kind of been in charge of the budget and the bank account - Steve’s been really busy with work and I’ve just been taking care of it - needless to say - I’ve been worried because we’ve been trying to pay off our debt and it hasn’t been happening. So I finally opened up and shared the worries that I’ve been carrying and Steve started to feel guilty.

We decided when we got married that we would go with traditional Christian roles (for the most part - I’m an extremely independent woman so sometimes that’s a problem). So Steve’s been the head of the household spiritually - and as he put it - he abdicated his role about 6 months ago when he started his new job and got really busy. On Saturday night, God nailed him with the 2 X 4 about making decisions and leading the family (just me for now) and being responsible for more than just bringing in the income.

Well - last night we went to small group and it was a game night so nothing very serious - just a lot of laughter - Apple to Apple is a totally fun game! - and good food. When we got home, though we found that our dog Cairo had had an accident - he’s on antibiotics and it’s making him super thirsty all the time - which means that he drinks a ton of water and pees a lot too.

So I cleaned up the mess and was talking to Steve about what we could do to keep this from happening and I was getting more and more exasperated because Steve wasn’t really helping me. I made a somewhat crazy suggestion of leaving the back door open when we aren’t home (not a problem in Iowa but a really dumb thing to do in Phoenix Arizona) and Steve was not thrilled with my suggestion and let me know it. I dropped the issue for the time being…

So we got ready for bed and did our devotional and prayers together and then based on something my parents taught me - I brought up that my feelings were hurt from the way he had snapped at me. And I also told him that I’m tired of always being the one to take care of the dog and the birds and that I can already see where things are going to be when we have kids - and I want it to stop now!

2 X 4 number 2 upside the head for Steve, he realized that he’s leaving most of the household work and care of our animals in my hands and he’s not really volunteering much in the way help right now. I had to stop and make sure I didn’t start piling all sorts of things on top of the issue I had brought up. So instead I asked him what he was thinking (he got really quiet) and he said he was mad at himself for not noticing that I needed help.

We ended up talking for over 90 minutes trying to get this settled before we went to bed - and I have to admit we both woke up this morning in better spirits because we had followed God’s leading and worked together to grow.

There are times when I’m amazed at the amount of work God is doing in Steve and me and I wonder what His plans for for us in the future - it’ll be fun to find out!

In the last week I’ve listened to about 10 people vent about their problems - including one complete stranger who told me all about the problems she’s having with her mother-in-law. After hearing so much venting over the week, I was feeling kind of sad and my husband noticed it. He asked me why I was sad. I had to think about it a bit - and I realized it’s because I was carrying a burden for all these people. I’d been praying a lot this week mostly for those people and the problems they were having, but also praying for me to have the strength to listen. I guess I was also complaining to him abit about having so many people venting to me. And later that night after we read our devotional, I realized that the ability to listen to people who are burdened is a gift from God and I needed to appreciate it more.

If you were to ask my friends and family if I’m a better talker or listener, they’d all say “talker” but over the last 1-1/2 years of marriage, I’ve actually turned into a listener. If I weren’t willing to just sit down, shut up and listen, my husband wouldn’t share anything with me (he’s kind of quiet). So I’ve been learning how to just listen - not offer suggestions on how to solve the problem - just listen! And I guess God’s been working on me in that area a bunch, by bringing other people to me that I just need to listen to.

So I guess the extent of this post is to state that I’m not resenting the people who are sharing their problems with me, I’m actually going to be open to where God leads me and to whom God leads me.

Thanks for listening

Well, it would seem that God wasn’t finished with me after my big revelation on Friday. He really nailed me on a couple more things on Monday. This time He just used a 2 X 2 upside my head.

Here’s the story … Steve and I had small group on Monday evening, and we were going 1 hour early so that I could help plan a baby shower (yes, I know - I’m giving up my desire for a baby and at the same time planning a baby shower for someone else). As we got into the car, I guess I was a little quiet. Steve asked me what was going on … and I had to really stop and think about it. I thought I had really accepted what God told me on Friday (see previous post) and was okay with it all. And I had - intellectually and spiritually - but not emotionally. I was still fighting myself. I was praying more but at the same time I was still dealing with essentially giving up my dream of kids to God.

So I started talking and then I started to tear up - all while we are driving to small group (thankfully it’s a 30 minute drive). I was dealing with a jumble of emotions. First, it was dealing with still wanting kids and trying to still put God first in my life - and I was feeling kind of guilty about still wanting kids and at the same time sticking to my promise to God to put Him first. Then it was dealing with being overweight and not feeling very beautiful (especially around my period). And I know my workouts are making progress - I’ve lost about 8 pounds since I started to do this - but it doesn’t feel like enough.

Third, it was dealing with the fact that I’m helping plan someone else’s baby shower (I’ve been to 2 baby showers in the past couple of months and been invited to 3 others) and while I’m really happy for Eliecia, I’m also a bit jealous and feeling guilty about that.

Finally, what I was dealing with - I was stuffing my emotions again … before I met Steve, I tended to stuff my emotions down - that way I didn’t get hurt. But Steve won’t let me do that - and he’s getting really good at recognizing when I’m stuffing them.

In all of this, God nailed me on my emotions - feeling guilty, envious, jealous, and stuffing all that inside - He wanted me to get them out - so that I could really help plan the baby shower and not feel bad about it.

So in the course of a 30 minute drive - I worked through a lot (and my patient husband sat and listened to me) and I was able to help plan the shower and have a good time doing it.

So that was one more change that God is working in me … wonder what else He’s got in store for me?

It’s taken me a couple of days to get to the point where I can blog about a huge change in me. I need to back up a couple of months I guess. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. I’ve really been focused on becoming a mom and each time I get my period, I’ve gotten a bit depressed. I’m 40 years old and you could say that I hear my clock winding down. We’ve been trying for almost a year now. Earlier this year I had some medical problems, but my operation fixed that.

So anyway, back to the point. About 22 days ago, my church started a 40-day fast. I’ve been fasting from sweets and novels (I love to read). And at the mid-point we had a prayer service, that was last Friday night. I’ve been involved with our church prayer ministry for a couple of years, so I was asked to be part of the intersessory prayer team. I agreed and when the service started I waited, in case anyone needed prayer. While I was waiting, God started to talk to me. I don’t mean I heard voices or anything, but rather a series of questions came into my mind. Questions like, “why do you desire a baby, more than you desire to be with me?” or “how can a baby fulfill you more than I can?” I felt like I was being hit over the head with a 2 X 4. The questions continued, and with each question, I realized how much time I spent thinking about having a baby and how little time I actually spent praying and talking to God.

During the time I was praying, my husband and a couple of other guys were playing worship music softly. I ended up listening, and one of the songs they played is “Hungry” and the last stanza’s lyrics had me crying. I know that I am broken: “Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide.”

I realized that I need to give up my intense desire for children and instead just focus on God. He gave me a few more lessons that night, but I feel like I’ve grown so much in the last 3 days. I have started spending more time praying.

I guess I really just need to remember that God is first in my life always!

What makes family? I’ve spent the day today at the hospital. My father-in-law had hip replacement surgery and I was there to support Shirley, my mom-in-law and my husband Steve. I have been really busy helping them all over the last six weeks, and I’m planning on continuing to help as I can. But what’s interesting to me is that so many people can’t believe that I’m helping out.

I had a friend ask me today if she didn’t have too high of expectations of people and how they should act. She asked this because she’s going through surgery in a couple of weeks and I’m the only person who offered to sit with her husband while he waits for her to come out. I’m also going to be making her family dinner that night so she doesn’t have to worry about it. She’s wondering why her own small group isn’t really helping them out.

I’m not saying all this to toot my own horn, I just have to admit I can’t imagine doing anything but helping when I’m needed. You help family, you help friends, people from church … you just do it. I wonder if our society has become so selfish that we don’t help others when they need it. Have we become so self-centered that we won’t go out of our way to help people even when we don’t “get” something out of it? Even in churches these days, it seems like so many people are going for what they get out of it, rather than what they can give to it. What is worship, something we get or something we give???

For me these are all kind of “duh - what were you thinking” kinds of questions. I was raised in Iowa and you always helped your neighbor, your friends, and your family … you just did it. But nowadays, I really wonder if that quality is taught, let alone cherished.

Anyway … that’s where I am today … hope tomorrow is better and I’m not feeling so cynical.

Last week, my husband and I went to Disneyland - we decided to leave our worries behind us and had a wonderful time there just being kids again.  However, now that we’re back, I feel like I’ve taken on a huge load again.

Milt (my father-in-law) is having hip replacement surgery next week on Tuesday, and I’ve been his chauffeur for the last month or so, since he can’t drive (percocet makes things a little loopy - don’t you know).  So I’ve been driving him and Shirley (my mom-in-law) to all the appointments, hospital meetings, etc.  So I really haven’t had anytime to myself lately. And to add to all that, Shirley is suffering from a pretty deep depression and she refuses to do anything about it - it’s situational - it started when Milt was diagnosed with arteritis (an auto-immune disease) and it’s just gotten worse over the last two years.  I’m one of the few people that she can open up to and she’s been doing that a lot more lately - so I want to be there for her to help her.

So that’s two people who I’m carrying a burden for, and last night, my husband Steve had a horrible pain in his back - it turns out he pulled a bunch of muscles (unfortunately wrestling with me) and he’s not allowed to do anything right now - including go into the office. And I had to drive him to the chiropractor this morning for an adjustment.  So that’s burden number three.

Another thing that I’ve been doing for about a year now is helping a friend of mine who teaches 2nd grade.  I go into her room and help her with reading, math and language arts lessons.  I love doing it, and haven’t been able to get to the school in over a week because I’ve been driving my in-laws everywhere.

I’m not complaining - I like being able to help so many people, but I have to admit - I need some time for myself.  I have homework for school that I need to finish and I need to clean the house (and Steve can’t help me with that right now).  With everything going on, I just feel a bit overwhelmed at times.

I think I just need some time to pray.  I really just need to be with my Lord for a while and let Him take my burdens from me.  So I think that’s what I’m going to do.