Just a quick follow up to my last blog - I went to my interview and I guess I did good on it - as they called me that afternoon and asked me to come in and fill out the new hire paperwork the next day!!! WOOT WOOT! So I’ve finished all the paperwork and they just have to do the background check and then I’m hired as a substitute teacher! I’m still worried and a bit scared but I know I can get through it.

Also just finished a really awesome marriage conference - Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. He’s really funny, but he really gets his point across too. Steve and I really feel like we’ve been on the right path (we studied his book Love and Respect before we got married and have really tried to follow his teaching). We decided that to keep our marriage growing and healthy, we’re going to try to get to a marriage conference about every 2-3 years, just to help keep us on track. We’ve been to 2 conferences, FamilyLife’s A Weekend to Remember and the Love and Respect conference - and both have really given us tools to use to keep our marriage healthy.

It’s kind of interesting that so many things in my life are focused on health - I’m working out and losing weight, working on my marriage, working on getting right with friends, and emotionally working on letting out my feelings and not stuffing them down like I’ve done for most of my life. God’s really working in me these days and I’m curious about what He has ahead for me. Whatever it is, it’ll sure be interesting and life changing.

Life has been a bit difficult lately. I’m dealing with a lot of mixed up emotions. Steve and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now and each month is a roller coaster of ups and downs - am I pregnant or not? Then to add to that - I’ve been in a small group that I truly love but lately the discussions have been pretty negative. There are times where I feel like I can’t say something because I’ll get jumped all over. I’m trying to work through that and have met with the leaders, but I guess I still worry about what’s going to happen.

Along with that - a couple of weeks ago - I had a bit of a confrontation with one of the people in the small group and I need to meet with her and figure out how we can repair our relationship - but I’m really scared about a confrontation again. I don’t like being angry and I don’t want to take a chance on losing my temper - I’ve spent years working on controlling my temper and I’m afraid if the conversation turns negative that I’ll say something hurtful or worse. That’s a part of myself that I really don’t like.

To add to all this -I’ve got my substitute teacher’s license and have applied to work in a nearby school district - I’m already volunteering in a school - but I’m terrified to go sub, because I guess I don’t feel ready for it. A teacher friend was talking about tools in her toolbelt to teach from - and I don’t feel like I have any tools handy yet. And with everything else that’s happening, Steve’s dad is having hip replacement surgery next week - and my mom is having medical problems too. I just feel like these are just more things to worry about. I’m always telling Steve to give up his worries to God and I know I need to do the same thing - it just feels like every time I give something up to Him I get hit with another 10 things to worry about.

Okay - I have to share this with my friends - and hopefully get some encouragement!  I started working out with a friend two weeks ago - she’s a personal trainer and she’s hoping to build her business.  So I’m working out with her 3 times a week - and I’m already seeing progress!  I have to admit between  health issues and stupid birth control patch (which I’m no longer on) I gained back most of the weight I lost about 5 years ago.   

I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life (including anorexia for over 10 years) and so I’ve been a bit frustrated that I couldn’t get it off by myself. So here it goes!  I’ve lost inches - I’m not really weighing myself right now - because I’m doing a lot of converting fat to muscle and my weight will fluctuate - but I’ve lost 1-1/2 inches off of my hips! 1/2 an inch off of my chest and waist!!! I’m so excited about this!   

Thanks Andi for having the bonfire where Gretchen and I talked about getting healthy! Anyway - I’m excited and I can’t wait to see how much better I’m going to feel (once all the pain from doing Gretchen’s exercises goes away ;-)) 

When I was a kid - I always looked forward to my birthday - since it’s January 9th (yup, tomorrow) I knew we’d be going sledding or ice skating or something fun like that - and all of my friends would be back in town after the holidays.  I had a lot of fun - except for my “sweet 16″ when I had chickenpox - got them on my birthday - not a lot of fun there.Now that I’m turning 41 tomorrow - I’m actually not looking forward to my birthday.        

41 - wow - when I was a kid - 41 seemed so middle-aged - and I am definitely not middle-aged.  So why am I dreading this one?  I think it’s because I wanted to be pregnant before I turned 41. This time last year - Steve and I were expecting we’d have a baby by now.  With the health problems and other bad timing - we just haven’t gotten pregnant yet.  I’m not giving up hope - but there’s kind of a sense of impatience that I’m not pregnant yet.   I know there are plenty of women who get pregnant in their fortys now - you know - 40 is the new 30 - or at least that’s what I hear.  But I want to be pregnant now!!!  I was holding my friend Eliecia’s baby yesterday and just standing there holding her - I could see myself as a mom too. And there’s a part of me that wonders if it’s ever going to happen.  I feel like I’m supposed to have kids and I know that when the time is right God will bless us with children - one way or the other.       

Steve and I have talked about adoption - a good friend of mine is adopted and she’s an awesome lady!   But I guess I’m tired of waiting - I’d love having children right now - and with our church undergoing a baby boom - it’s hard to be standing on the sidelines wondering if I’ll ever be the one holding a new baby in church.Well - I guess that’s where I am today - maybe tomorrow will be a better day. 

Well - 2007 is almost over and I have a couple of thoughts on the year past.

In January I celebrated my 40th birthday and realized that 40 isn’t that bad a number.  February brought the news that I had hyperparathyroidism and would need surgery to get rid of it.  February was also when Steve and I actually got to have our honeymoon (almost a year after we got married).  We went to Disneyland (my first time doing so) and then to SeaWorld.  We had a blast and it was wonderful getting to just be kids for 10 days.

March was the month that we celebrated one year of marriage and realized that married life was amazing.  We also went back to Disneyland for our anniversary - I’ve found that I really love Disneyland!  April brought the news that Steve’s contract with the state wasn’t going to be renewed and he needed to find a new job.  That leads into May and boy was that a busy month.  Steve was offered a job in North Carolina - we ended up not taking the job because they wouldn’t pay our moving costs.  Then he was offered a job by Shamrock Foods and boy that has turned out to be a real blessing for us - an awesome company to work for.  I also had my surgery and now sport a scar across my throat.  It looks like Steve tried to cut my throat (which is what I told a lot of people).

June found us in Iowa City - visiting for a cousin’s wedding.  It was Steve’s first time seeing where I grew up and now I think he understands me a bit better (if that’s even possible to do).  July brought us a new member to the family - Cairo is a racing greyhound who had a great career under the name Peyton Manning.  He’s really settled in with the family and the birds don’t even really notice him now - he’s even scared of Rhadi my indian ringneck parrot.

August was relatively quiet - though I worked for my old company BBS for a week to cover someone’s vacation - but it was nice to have a quiet month.  Early September found Steve in New Hampshire for training and me really missing him.  Late September found us again in Disneyland (I told you I love Disneyland)!

October was a busy month for me -my father-in-law Milt had hip replacement surgery and we found out that my car was the only one he could get into without any pain.  So I became his chauffeur for 2 months.  It was great because I got to know my in-laws so much better.  November was wonderful - we went to a nearby Greek Festival - and also got to go to the greyhound track and a greyhound farm to see how these beautiful dogs are raised.  Thanksgiving was terrific too.  My folks hosted Thanksgiving at their home and we had 18 people there.

December - I have to admit - is my favorite month of the year.  Steve and I really had a great month - it was a bit busy - but with Steve having the last 10 days of the year off - we were able to get a lot done around the house and a chance to really relax and end the year on a really positive note.

So that was my year in review - hope it was as good for you.

With Christmas approaching, I started thinking about Christmases past and how much slower they were.  Growing up in Iowa I was fortunate enough to experience many “Norman Rockwell”-type Christmases.  Most of the time Christmas season started the day after Thanksgiving with us getting the Christmas tree from a tree farm.  We’d go out the the tree farm and wander around looking for the perfect tree.  Once we found one that all of us could agree on, we’d get it cut down and then tied to the top of the station wagon.  Once we got home, we’d rearrange the room to fit in the tree and then get out all the decorations for the tree.  Usually it would take us a couple of days to get the tree decorated.  Over the course of the next couple of weeks, we’d start making candy, wrapping presents, singing carols and all the other things that go on at Christmas.

Let’s see if I can draw a word picture for you … I’d be making fudge - and we have the best fudge recipe, my sister Kerry would be making almond bark candy with marshmellows, peanuts and rice krispies, and Heidi would be helping my dad make carmels.  There’d be Christmas carols playing on the stereo and a fire burning in the fireplace keeping the house warm from the cold, snowy weather outside.  There are so many good smells and sounds tied in with my childhood memories of Christmas.  My mom would often be wrapping presents in the living room while we were making candy.

Then as the Christmas season continued and we got closer to Christmas eve, we’d work hard to get all the candy made - we usually made about 15-16 different types of candy to give away.  On Christmas eve, we’d work feverishly to get all the candy on plates and out the door.  First, we kids would deliver the candy to our neighbors, we’d go caroling and hand out the plates of candy and our Christmas card.  Often, we’d get cookies or other treats in return - we loved our neighbors and knew all of them very well - the average length of time on our street was about 25 years.  Then we’d run home and load up the car with all the rest of the candy - we’d go around and deliver it to our friends and relatives that were in town.

After delivering the candy, we’d rush home to get ready for the Christmas eve service.  Our Christmas eve service was a candlelight service and often acapella.  We’d get to church and look for our friends to see their new dresses or suits.  We’d all go in and the sanctuary was lit only with candles - it was beautiful to see the candle light reflecting off of the stained glass.  The service was always about reading the story of the Christ child and singing some of the beautiful old carols and the last carol was always Silent Night.  At that point we’d all have candles lit and singing the whole song acapella. Then everyone would leave the sanctuary quietly.

The rest of our Christmas eve was often spent with family or friends.  We’d go to a friend’s house and eat dinner and then go caroling around the neighborhood.  Then we’d head for home.

Christmas morning was special for us kids.  Dad would usually get up about 5:30 am and go downstairs.  Now we had a door at the bottom of the stairs and we kids were not allowed to open that door on Christmas morning.  Only mom or dad could.  So we’d get up and huddle on the stairs or in one of our rooms until 7:00 am when we could go wake up mom.  Mom would get up (she’s not a morning person AT ALL) and go downstairs to see if everything was ready.  If it was, she’d open the door for us.  We’d run downstairs and into the living room to get our stockings from over the fireplace.  We’d go into the family room by the fireplace and start pulling things out of our stockings.

During that time, there’d be hot spiced cider on the stove, and cinnamon carmel pull-aparts in the oven.  There would be candles lit around the family room and carols on the stereo.  When we finished with our stockings, Heidi (my youngest sister) would start handing out presents.  We had a rule in our family that only one person at a time could open their present. So we’d open our presents and talk about each thing that we got.  I couldn’t wait until family members opened the presents I gave them (especially after I moved to Japan - I had tons of fun presents then).  I’d tell them about picking out the present and why I got them what I got.

After we finished with the presents, we’d eat breakfast - pull-aparts, candy (yes, we ate Christmas candy for breakfast on Christmas morning) and we’d have hot cider or hot chocolate.  Later in the day, my grandparents would come over for Christmas dinner and we’d get to open their presents.  Christmas was truly a special time of the year as a child.  Now as an adult - married to an awesome man - Christmas is still wonderful.

Today is Thanksgiving and here are some of the reasons I’m thankful this year:

My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - who died to save me even tho I didn’t deserve it.

My husband Steve - a wonderful, loving man who puts up with my foibles and craziness and loves me all the more for it.  He’s helped me overcome a lot of my past that was still hurting me.

My parents - who’ve loved me and supported me all my life and who continue to support me as I grow and change.

My church - a place where I feel like I’m at home and I can worship my God with joy and celebrate my faith fearlessly.

My small group - a wonderful group of people who have seen me grow and change this last year and  who continue to show me their honesty in ways that I’m still in awe of.

Finally, I’m thankful for my life - In the past I’ve traveled the world, I’ve been a teacher, an editor, a Peace Corps Volunteer, a missionary.  Now I’m a wife, a student, a teacher (again) and mostly I’m a person who’s loving life and learning about what it means to be a child of God.

Yesterday I had an “oh my God” moment - I realized that the day my sister died passed by and I didn’t even think about it.  She died 10 years ago November 12 as a result of injuries from getting hit by a drunk driver.

I have to admit that it was weird for me to not think about it.  I was also in the same accident - I was the driver - and I’ve carried a lot of guilt over the years for the accident.

Over the last year or so, Steve’s been helping me deal with that guilt - I was driving and I turned left at a light - this guy switched lanes on a yellow light and blasted through and hit us.  But I felt that if I hadn’t been rushing it - the accident wouldn’t have happened - and the courts agreed - I was found guilty of failure to yield (and that didn’t help the guilt that I was feeling either).   Anyway, over the last year, I’ve been talking with Steve and praying a lot - and I’ve come to realize that the guilt I was feeling isn’t necessary or appropriate any longer.

That’s a big step for me because the accident happened in 1994 and Kerry died in 1997 - and I’ve been carrying this feeling for the better part of 13 years.  When I realized that I didn’t need to carry this load - I could give it to God - I felt so free!!!!

That’s why yesterday was such an amazing thing for me - I didn’t even think about Kerry on the 10th anniversary of the day she died.  Usually I get depressed and miss her a lot (especially this time of the year - since the accident happened on December 23) and I spend a lot of time beating myself up over her death.

I’ve finally let go of that guilt and can move on and continue to become the woman that God’s calling me to be. What a wonderful feeling!

Okay, I have to admit - I haven’t always been the greatest sister in the world.  I picked on my two younger sisters when I was a teen - I didn’t get along with them at all until I was out of college.  Unfortunately by that time, my youngest sister - H was holding a grudge about the way I had treated her.  She held that grudge until about 4 years ago when she was pregnant with her first child.  I tried repeatedly for years to build a better relationship with her but it wasn’t until she was pregnant that she made an overture to me.  Since then I’ve noticed that I’m still the one doing the reaching out - trying to stay in contact - trying to build the relationship.  And I’ve finally had enough!

Two days ago, I called my sister to talk to her about Thanksgiving - I wanted to know if they were bringing their dog with them - Bubba is a pitbull/lab mix who’s very protective of her two kids.  I have a greyhound who’s totally laid back and I wanted to bring him with us to Thanksgiving.  H feels that Bubba will attack my dog, Cairo and so she said I shouldn’t bring him … to make a long story shorter - she didn’t want to do anything that amounted to compromise.  So I’m not bringing Cairo.

Then the conversation went to the family picture - she wants us to do white t-shirts and blue jeans - the whole family to do white t-shirts and blue jeans - I think it’s kind of dorky and besides I don’t look good in white.  So when I suggested a different color shirt she got huffy and said she had already bought the t-shirts for the kids and didn’t want to go buy more shirts.   I realized then that I really didn’t feel free to tell her to stuff it and just deal with it.  I also realized that my entire family has been walking on eggshells for years in case H gets mad and doesn’t want to talk to us any longer.

I decided that I’ve had enough.  I’ve been co-dependent for a very long time and I’m finally breaking the cycle with my mom - and now I’ve got to do it with my sister too.  In some ways it’s kind of funny - I’ve come to realize that I don’t really let my birth family know what I’m really thinking because I’m afraid that they won’t like me anymore … and you know what??? I don’t care anymore.  If they don’t like me … it’s because I’m not giving in to their every demand anymore and that feels pretty good to me.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for today.

Well, yesterday I took a big step (at least for me) toward becoming an elementary school teacher.  I’m already in a certification/master’s degree program to become a teacher - but yesterday was another big step.  Ready for it …

I got my fingerprints taken so I can get a fingerprint card …
(i.e. I’m having a police/fbi background check to verify that I’m me and that I’m not a criminal- this is my second fbi background check - I have to admit - I’m curious to see what’s in my fbi file …)

Then when I get the card (3-6 weeks) I’ll go get my substitute teaching certification and become a sub … I’m a bit nervous about this … I was talking with my friend Sara S, a teacher, about it and she feels that I’m ready to start subbing, though this may have more to do with her wanting me to sub for her whenever she needs it since I already know all her kids.

I guess part of the reason I’m not so sure of myself on this is because I’ve been out of the classroom for about 7-1/2 years and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my self confidence in that area.  I’ve been interning in Sara’s class for about a year now and while I’ve learned a lot … part of me feels like there’s so much more to learn.

I guess I have to trust those who know me well cuz I can’t really gauge myself in this instance.