It’s taken me a couple of days to get to the point where I can blog about a huge change in me. I need to back up a couple of months I guess. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. I’ve really been focused on becoming a mom and each time I get my period, I’ve gotten a bit depressed. I’m 40 years old and you could say that I hear my clock winding down. We’ve been trying for almost a year now. Earlier this year I had some medical problems, but my operation fixed that.
So anyway, back to the point. About 22 days ago, my church started a 40-day fast. I’ve been fasting from sweets and novels (I love to read). And at the mid-point we had a prayer service, that was last Friday night. I’ve been involved with our church prayer ministry for a couple of years, so I was asked to be part of the intersessory prayer team. I agreed and when the service started I waited, in case anyone needed prayer. While I was waiting, God started to talk to me. I don’t mean I heard voices or anything, but rather a series of questions came into my mind. Questions like, “why do you desire a baby, more than you desire to be with me?” or “how can a baby fulfill you more than I can?” I felt like I was being hit over the head with a 2 X 4. The questions continued, and with each question, I realized how much time I spent thinking about having a baby and how little time I actually spent praying and talking to God.
During the time I was praying, my husband and a couple of other guys were playing worship music softly. I ended up listening, and one of the songs they played is “Hungry” and the last stanza’s lyrics had me crying. I know that I am broken: “Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide.”
I realized that I need to give up my intense desire for children and instead just focus on God. He gave me a few more lessons that night, but I feel like I’ve grown so much in the last 3 days. I have started spending more time praying.
I guess I really just need to remember that God is first in my life always!
