Nope, not the book in the Bible - but yesterday I had a major revelation - and it had tears and crying and all that! I was talking with my husband Steve and he asked me what I was thinking - something he does frequently as he can’t figure out how I multi-task all the time.
So anyway … I was thinking about a whole bunch of things: about my classes - the school I’m volunteering at - my love for my husband - creating a family - building a better relationship with my mom - dealing with my co-dependency - and most importantly - learning about unconditional love from my husband and his parents. I’ve never really known unconditional love - and I was really afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love my own kids with unconditional love. Well after yesterday afternoon - I KNOW I can!
I started crying from sheer joy! I’ve never done that before - as most of my friends can tell you - I just hate crying and will do just about anything to keep from crying in front of other people. But I’ve been blessed with a man who accepts and even encourages me to cry and feel my emotions.
I don’t even remember when I started to stuff my emotions down. I feel like I’ve been doing it my whole life, and all of a sudden I’ve been given the freedom to feel, to cry, to laugh. For people who’ve never stuffed their emotions - you can’t really understand how it feels. I felt like a band had been around my heart for years - and suddenly yesterday afternoon - IT SNAPPED!!! And I started to cry from joy.
So that was yesterday afternoon … and since then, I’ve felt lighter - like another burden was just dropped.
This last year has been a huge year of growth for me. About a year ago, I had another huge fight with my mom and we decided to go in for counseling. The counselor said that we are co-dependent. My mom didn’t want to hear that, so she quit going to the counselor - but I continued and I’m really working on breaking the co-dependency cycle. I’ve also been struggling with how to deal with my mom. She’s still continuing her co-dependent behavior and I’m trying to stop. Well about 3 weeks ago - I realized - I don’t have to worry about her behavior - I just have to worry about me. I also accepted that I’ll never have the relationship with her that I want. But you know what … I’m okay with that - I’ll have the relationship with her that I can.
So anyway - I’ve had a revelation and I’m a lot happier because of it.

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