One year ago today, you were born, but your father and I were already praying for you without even knowing who you were.  Seven months ago, we were introduced to you through pictures and we began praying for you specifically, that you would grow healthy and strong and be a happy boy.  We have been so blessed by you joining our family.

Here are some things that I’ve seen about you:

You wake up happy in the morning, you smile and talk happily to us and you are content to play in your crib for a while before you let me know it’s time to get up.

You love to play with your toys, but you are always checking to see if I’m there and if I’m watching you.  I’m so proud of the way you are learning to put blocks together and build things.

You LOVE music – all kinds of music – you dance and wave your arms as soon as you hear any music and we’ve discovered you like alternative music (which is wonderful – since that’s our favorite too!!!) You also love to have classical music playing all night in your room and aren’t very happy if we turn it off.

You have started to walk – mostly around the edge of the playpen, but occasionally when you aren’t thinking about it – you walk a couple of steps not holding onto anything!  In no time at all, you will be walking and then running and then look out world!

You have the most infectious giggle – every time you laugh or giggle – it makes me laugh! And you love to make funny faces to make us laugh a lot – then when we make the face back to you – you burst out in laughter!

Little boy, you have brought joy and happiness into our family and we are so grateful for you!

Happy Birthday, Joshua!!!

 

 

Four years ago today we met for the first time.  I remember how nervous I was – we had been talking on the phone for almost a month, and I felt so comfortable with you.  I wondered if that same feeling would continue face-to-face.

I remember that I wanted to look really nice – even though we were only meeting at Starbucks – to not have coffee – LOLLLLL.  So I finished work a bit early and planned out what I was going to wear – I wanted to stun you!

So I got to Starbucks about 10 minutes early – just cuz I was nervous and afraid I would miss you … and you were 10 minutes late (that’s a whole nother story).  You walked up and I remember you looked so nervous and unsure of yourself – but you sat down and we both felt so comfortable immediately.  We started talking and I remember thinking this was almost too good to be true – you were just like you were on the phone … funny, insightful, thoughtful and intelligent.  We ended up talking for almost 4 hours and you were late getting to your rehearsal that evening.

Every Thursday til we got married became our Starbucks date – we’d go and get tea, or a chilled drink or whatever, but we just spent that time talking and learning more about each other.  That Starbucks was the place you proposed to me and it’s still a special place for us to go to.

I thank God everyday for bringing you into my life and for connecting our souls the way He has … and it all really started on that first date!

Joshua just took his first two steps without holding onto anything!!!!  Yippee!  Why do I feel like I’m going to be running around like crazy in the very near future?

Lately, I’ve been encountering this verse – “Now Moses was keeping the flock … And the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed … But Moses said to God, ”Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”" (Exodus 3:1-2, 11).  Moses felt inadequate to the task of leading Israel and God provided help for Moses.

I think God is telling me that He’s there for me, especially when I’m feeling inadequate.  Over the last month, I’ve felt inadequate a lot – I’ve got a new son who I’m trying to understand and figure out.  I’m also trying to figure out how to be a mom and a wife and still be me – all at the same time.  One of the things Moses had to deal with is that he felt that he wasn’t the man to lead Israel out of Egypt.  He had to rely on God for everything, because he in and of himself was not able to do anything that God asked of him.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m like Moses and am going to lead anyone anywhere, but I am called by God to be Joshua’s mom and Steve’s wife and over the last month, I’ve really felt that I can’t do those two things in and of myself – I need to rely on God to strengthen me and teach me to be a good wife and mother.  God keeps providing me with resources to grow, friends who are walking along side me while I’m trying to figure these things out – and other adoptive moms who are willing to share what they’ve gone through and offer suggestions on how to deal with some of the problems that have come up.

One of the other things I’ve been noticing is that I’m learning more about Joshua during the difficult times, than during the easy times.  When Joshua first arrived home, he was a “happy” baby – in other words he tried to entertain and amuse us.  I don’t know if it was because he was trying to keep us happy and thereby we’d feel and take care of him or whether it was because he was in such new unfamiliar surroundings that  he wanted to explore and learn about, but either way, he was almost manic in his playing and his movements.

This got especially bad the closer we got to bedtime – he’d almost become a blur moving from toy to toy in an effort to stay awake.  Then over the 3rd week, we started to get glimpses of the “real” Joshua – he’d slow down and cuddle with me, or he’d play quietly with me or one of his toys.  We also started to see his personality – a more thoughtful, quieter side – peek through.  But through all of this – naptimes/bedtimes were still the hardest times for us – he seems to have a real dislike of sleep – and in the middle of the night – when I’m barely awake and am stumbling around trying to change his diaper and get him a bottle – a battle of wills is not my favorite thing.

But last night, as I was trying once again to get him back to sleep – I just had to lean on God for my strength and His peace (which passes all understanding) to remain calm and soothing for my son.  Again, this morning when he woke up at 5:45 and wouldn’t go back to sleep, I had to remember that God is in charge of everything and I just need to rely on Him.  He will direct my path and as long as I’m willing to “go with the flow” and not stick tight to my plans, I will have a much better time of it.

So all this to say that I’m tired but I’m more at peace right now than I have been in months – I’m still in the valley, but that’s fine – that’s where God is doing His best work in me.

This morning’s devotion was on being broken: The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:17).  As I was reading it and praying about it, God showed me that this is what is going on in me right now.  He’s breaking me of bad habits, bad thoughts and bad mannerisms, so that He can use me in His service.  Most of my life, I’ve known that I talk too much, that I can dominate conversations and people and not even realize that I’m doing it.  Over the last 4 years, God has used a gentle, quiet man to teach me to listen (cuz that’s the only way I get to hear Steve’s thoughts) and to really hear what people are saying.  Now God is using a beautiful little boy to teach me patience, kindness and unconditional love.

I’m finding that through the cloud of tiredness, and the inability to understand immediately my son’s needs, that I’m having to rely on God more and more.  I’m now turning to Him first rather than as a last resort.  I’m delighting in my time with Him in the middle of the night when I’m trying to get my little man back to sleep.  And I’m finding that when I get frustrated, scared, freaked out or just plain tired, He provides for me in the forms of my husband, my parents, my in-laws and my friends.  I’m realizing just how blessed I am and how God is truly watching over me, even when I don’t see it immediately.  I’m truly blessed!

well – now that Joshua is settling in – we’re moving into a time of testing boundaries – especially those with mom!  Let’s just say that Joshua has been pushing and whining and pushing and whining.  I think he’s trying to see if we will stand by him and not let him go.  Hopefully, the next couple of weeks will see us settling into a routine and we’ll start to see that happy little boy who arrived two weeks ago.

We have discovered that he’s a morning person like his mom – much to his dad’s chagrin (Steve’s a night owl!).  So about mid-afternoon we start to see the not-so-happy little boy come out.  We’ve gotten him into a regular sleep schedule (Thank GOD) and he’s sleeping better at night (and thereby so are we) … but we’re still having problems with him going to sleep (it’s a fight every time).

Last night, Steve took duty with Joshua so I could get a decent night’s sleep, but what was cute was about 6 am this morning, Joshua kind of woke up and started saying, “dada??” dada??” and then he went right back to sleep.  Then when he completely woke up (an hour later), I walked in and he looked at me and said, “dada!” “dada?”  ”mama!!”.  So he’s getting us figured out – and he’s right now playing with his dad building towers of blocks (Steve) and knocking them down (Joshua).  I have to admit – I love watching my two boys playing together!  They are having a lot of fun and I can see what a great dad Steve’s going to be!

Well – we’ve had two nights of decent sleep – and my son (who woke at 4:50 this morning is back in bed and still asleep at 8 am).  I’m enjoying a bit of quiet time organizing my thoughts and getting in some prayer time.  A friend told me that having a child was an exercise in spiritual discipline … and she’s really right!  I’m spending more time in prayer and Bible verses and hymns now than I ever have.  And it’s funny, the last couple of days Joshua has been getting up early (like 6 am) and I was missing my quiet time.  Now that I’m getting it – I can’t wait for him to wake up so we can play again.

I love my little boy and he really is a little boy – he loves things that make lots of noise – and he’s started growling (it’s the cutest sound) when he’s pushing his little toy plane around.  I make stacks of blocks and he knocks them down.  When I pretend to eat his belly, he laughs and giggles in such a way that I have to join him.    He loves to lean back and laughs when I hold him and let him lean back.

He’s enjoying the zoo – we’ve been twice and yesterday I met up with this wonderful group of women – all of whom have adopted and understand the problems and joys of going through an adoption.  We started to walk around the zoo and at that point Joshua decided that he didn’t want to stay in the stroller, so I got him out and carried him in the Ergo (I should mention that he is 26 lbs now and 31.5 inches tall).  So I walked the rest of the way with him in the Ergo and I just pushed the stroller.  At one point he got thirsty so I made up and bottle and one of the other women pushed the stroller for me, so that I could concentrate on him.  I’m really looking forward to showing him the whole zoo and letting him learn all about the animals there.

I’m learning to read when he’s hungry, thirsty, tired or just wanting to play!  He’s such a joy, and yet we’re still dealing with his anger and sorrow.  He’s moving out of the anger and more into the sorrow.  It’s funny, but he feels most comfortable in releasing his anger and sorrow when he’s in the Ergo.  I think because he knows we have a strong hold on him and that we’re going to be there, no matter how angry or sad he gets.  He’s falling asleep now in the Ergo, usually after having a temper tantrum, but no matter what, we’re going to be there helping him work through his emotions.

Yesterday was an interesting day, our social worker Marsha paid us a visit.  Joshua Jae was just playing in his playpen and making growling noises like he’s been doing lately.  Then she arrived and suddenly I had a little boy clinging to me.  It’s not that he doesn’t like Auntie Marsha – she’s fun and she plays with him, but I think he remembers that she took him from his last home and brought him here to stay.   Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that it is to stay!  So Marsha taught me another way to hold him that would comfort him and provide him with a sense of security.  Because … here’s the kicker … she said he’d be pretty angry the rest of the day.

He’s still dealing with the emotions from being taken from his first foster mom’s house and Marsha said he separated easily from the second foster mom (which had her worried).  And since he’d arrived here, he’d been almost manic in his playing and interactions with us.  We really haven’t seen his true personality come out yet.

Anyway, last night was kind of tough getting him to bed, our usual routine is to play with him til about an hour before bed time, then give him a bath and wash his hair.  Then we get him dressed and settled in his room for some quiet playing with daddy.  We turn the lights down and I go make a bottle to help his tummy make it through the rest of the night.  But last night, our poor boy was rubbing his eyes and when I got him into the bath I could see how tired he was.  We got back into the bedroom and I started to try to get him dressed for bed, but he didn’t want any of that.  He’s got super-bad diaper rash from the diarrhea from the antibiotics.  (I’ve started feeding him lots of yogurt and bananas in hopes that will help his poor bum)  So I finally got him dressed and he and daddy started playing while I went and made up his bottle.  I came back and Steve commented that Joshua Jae was manic again in his playing.  Not good news for trying to get him down.

So Steve settled into the glider and I got Joshua Jae into his lap with the bottle.  Joshua Jae drank from his bottle for about 5 minutes and then started to fuss and squirm.  We finally changed positions and I got into the chair and held Joshua Jae to give him his bottle, I held him the way Marsha had shown and I got about 4 more ounces into him before he got mad.  He really got mad!  Screaming, crying (with no tears) and a lot of squirming.  Fortunately this position is a firm holding position and he couldn’t squirm out of my arms.  I just held him and told him it was okay to be angry and sad, but that daddy and I weren’t going anywhere and that he could trust us.

After about 10 minutes of this, he finally fell asleep. Steve was shocked, he was imaging that we would have to walk the neighborhood to get him calmed down enough to sleep.

Anyway, as I was holding him, I started to think about how our Father holds us in his arms and tells us how much he loves us and that he’s not going anywhere and we can trust him and I realized how much I have been angry and pushing away and no matter what, He’s always there, loving me, holding me and telling me I can trust him.

I’m learning as much from my little boy as he is learning from me.

Yesterday came under the heading of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  It started out okay, but it rapidly went downhill.  Steve and I had started the day well with our son, tho Steve was still not feeling very good.  He got some possibly good news, but then we heard that a friend miscarried her child.  Then about 2 hours later, I found out that one of my best friends is leaving the position of pastor of children and families at our church – this was not good news – cuz I love teaching with her and am really inspired by her interactions with the kids at church.  She was the one to get me back into teaching and provided me with a ton of support and suggestions.

The final blow of the day … My dad has been tentatively diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease with Dementia.  This really hit me hard especially because my dad has been my sounding board for years.  Every time I’ve had a problem that I needed to talk out, I could call him and he’d listen and offer some good advice.  Just the thought that within a few years that intellect could be gone just scared me and freaked me out badly.

I had a lot of hero worship of my dad when I was a kid – I planned on being a lawyer just like him, tho the funny thing is that now that I’m a teacher, I’m actually doing the job that my dad really should have done.  He’s an awesome teacher and I learned a lot from him over the years.  He instilled in me a love of nature and we spent every summer of my childhood going up to Minnesota for 2-3 weeks to our cabin.  While we were there, we would go fishing, hiking, looking for agates or raspberries. He taught me to scale and fillet a fish, bait a hook, row a boat and run a motorboat.  I learned to swim from him and I came to enjoy just looking at the birds around us.  I love to read because I always saw my dad reading and I love to do crossword puzzles in ink because that’s how I learned to do them from him.  This is all to say that I love my dad a ton and finding out yesterday that he has a disease that will cause him to deteriorate was the toughest thing I’ve had to deal with in a very long time.

After we got Joshua Jae to bed last night, I fell to pieces.  Fortunately I do have a wonderful husband who just loved on me and held me as I cried out all my fears.  I have a hard time crying and tend to really just stuff my emotions down so i don’t have to deal with them, but I’m finding especially now that I cannot do that. I have to deal with my emotions – that’s one huge gift from my husband, he’s given me the freedom and support to open myself up to emotions I don’t like to deal with.

It’s amazing what a decent night’s sleep will do for your mental well-being.  Last night, I figured out something – our son really does NOT like cold formula.  During the day we’ve done room temp formula – no problems with falling asleep or anything – but at night I’d make up a couple of bottles and stick them in the fridge for easy use in the middle of the night feeding – and needless to say – he didn’t go back to sleep easily.  So …. last night I nuked the middle of the night bottle – and … 30 minutes later he was out like a light!  YEA!!!  Then he woke again at 5 am – did the same – nuked the bottle – he was out in 20 minutes!  I actually think the cold formula was hurting his poor ears – cuz he’d rub his ears – last night no problems – and the best news – he’s still asleep!

For you to understand how nice this is – Sunday night, Joshua Jae woke up at 1:15 am and was awake until 3:45 – I changed his diaper (he really doesn’t like wet diapers AT ALL) and gave him a bottle – and he was wide awake and cranky as all get out – of course – some of this could have been the ear infection and the jet lag, but I ended up walking with him for probably 45 minutes Sunday night – up and down the hallway and let me tell you – with plantar fasciitis – that’s not fun!

Last night tho – changed the diaper, heated up the bottle – and he was out completely!

I’m just glad I figured it out this quickly – we need to get him on sleeping through the night as much as possible before Steve goes back to work!

So anyway – much better start to my day!