Today I had a taste of what my husband went through a year ago.  Last May, I went in for what we thought was going to be an hour long surgery and it turned into 6 hours.  During that time, no one could tell my husband what was going on and why it was taking so long.

Well, today I had a small taste of what that’s like.  Steve went in for surgery to have a deep cyst removed from his back.  It was supposed to be only about 30 minutes but ended up being an hour long.  During that time, I played cribbage with his dad.  I wasn’t really concentrating on the game (though I won 2 out of 3 games) and was really just trying to keep my mind off of my worry.  When the Doctor came out and told us the surgery was done and Steve was fine, I literally felt like I had just come out of deep water and taken a breath of air.

I started to think about why I was so nervous about a very routine surgery and realized that it tied into my mom.  My mom has had three surgeries and each one the doctors have told us going into the surgery that it won’t be bad and each time she’s been diagnosed with cancer.  I have to admit, a part of my mind was saying that this is just routine surgery and he’ll be fine and another part was saying - “that’s what they said about mom too and they were wrong!”

Thankfully, Steve’s okay, other than they are concerned about a post-op infection cuz the cyst was infected.  He’s home now and I’m finally relaxing for the first time in about 2 weeks (since we found out when the surgery was scheduled).  Now I’m just going to concentrate on taking care of him and getting some sleep myself.

I was just reading a post by someone who I’ve come to respect as a blogger.  Shush wrote a blog asking people what they believe about homosexuality ( http://shushnow.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/open-forum-what-do-you-believe-about-homosexuality/).  It lead to an interesting discussion with my husband.  We’ve been struggling with the idea of being in the world but not of it - an ideal that Christ calls us to do.  And there were two questions that Shush asked that really fueled the discussion.  They were:

1. If you are the member of a church body, do you agree or disagree with the sentiments expressed towards homosexuals in your church?
2. If you are a Christian or follower of a particular faith- if someone came to you expressing interest in your faith but was unwilling to leave a homosexual relationship in order to do so, would you still offer to teach them?

One of the other questions is: Do you believe homosexuality is a sin?  This is the first question I really have to deal with.  According to the Bible, homosexuality is a sin - the only sexual relationship that should occur should be between a husband and his wife.  That being said, it’s a hard decision for me - I have friends who are gay and I don’t know that the relationships they are in should be condemned.  It’s hard enough to find someone to love - but when that person is of the same sex, it’s even harder because society rejects the relationship.  So I’m still struggling with the idea that loving someone can be considered a sin.  But let’s go with the premise that homosexuality is a sin, this then leads to further questions in my mind.

Should churches allow people who willingly sin to become voting members of the church?  In my mind the answer is yes, because as far as I know we all willingly and knowingly sin each and every day.  So if someone refuses to stop their homosexual behavior (if they even can) should they be rejected because they continue their sinful behavior.

Let’s put this premise in less controversial terms.  Suppose someone curses at least once each day - according to the Bible this is a sin - as a matter of fact - it’s one of the 10 biggies - so suppose that person decides to join the church - should the church reject that person because he continues to sin?  And should we even rank sin - even though in God’s eyes all sins are equal and wrong.  So with that thought - I guess we shouldn’t allow anyone to become a member of the church.

While my husband and I were talking, we were also struggling with the idea of hypocrisy in the church.  We all do things we’re not supposed to do, but what if that behavior causes someone to not come to Christ - in other words they are turned off of Christianity by the hypocritical behavior they see done by Christians.

Interestingly, my pastor is doing a series in church right now and this Sunday’s message is “Christians are hypocritical.”  It should be a very good message and I’m looking forward to hearing what he has to say on the issue and then maybe I’ll have a follow up to this blog.

Today was so much fun. My friend Sara is a second grade teacher and I am her intern.  Today we had her students 3/4 of the way convinced that we were our cousins.  Here’s what happened.

We finished lunch and the students were walking back to the classroom and we were trying to get there ahead of them.  We went in - put on aprons and grabbed the menus we’d gathered.  Then we went out and greeted the kids in southern accents as Clarabelle (me) and BillieJean (Sara).  After we’d ushered the kids into the classroom and given them their menus - we informed them that their teacher and her assistant went out to lunch and we were going to be running the Steinhauser Cafe for them.  We gave each of them menus and told them that they needed to figure out what they wanted and then they had to write it out and add up the amounts.  We walked around, talked with the students, and generally just played our roles.  The kids had a great time and like I said we had them about 3/4s of the way convinced that we were Mrs. S and Mrs. P’s cousins.

At the end just before class let out for the day - we put a quick video on - went outside and took off the aprons and came back in as Mrs. S and Mrs. P - and were so upset that we didn’t get to see our “cousins”.  It was a fun way to teach math.

Last night our church had a Good Friday service and our pastor came in character of the Roman Centurion who helped nail Christ to the cross.  It was a really powerful performance and drove home for me the meaning of the day.  Over the years, I’ve examined my beliefs pretty deeply and at times have even walked away from my faith because of my struggles.  But last night, I deeply felt the weight of my sins being carried by Christ for me.

I keep thinking about the sacrifice He did for me 2,000+ years ago and seeing Pat performing as one of the people there, made me think about what it would have been like if I had been there too.  Would I have recognized Him for who He is?  Would I have willingly put aside my things to follow Him?  Would I have seen Him as the son of God?

And now it’s the day before Easter, and one of the things I’m struggling with is the idea of having an easter egg hunt at church … I’m trying to figure out what easter eggs and church have in common.  When did we start to feel that we had to bribe people to come to church?  For me, easter eggs and candy were always a family thing - something you did after you’d gone to church.  Now, I see churches advertising the easter egg hunt and oh by the way, we also have a service too …  something seems very wrong with that concept.

Steve and I have been talking about reconciling being of the world but not in it and the struggles we’re having doing just that … and part of me wonders if it’s even possible.  But then I look back at Jesus and everything He did … and I guess I can continue to do is to try to work out how I can do it too.

This started out as a response to a friend’s blog - see http://mattythestranger.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/proud-to-be-an-american/

I have to admit I was a bit overwhelmed as I read Michelle Malkin’s response and the comments below … I’m a moderate liberal - but I felt demonized by her blog and the people commenting after it.  I was also a bit surprised that so many people would take one comment by a politician’s wife and use it to tar and feather her husband and the entire political party.  Matty, I’m curious about what your take on her article was - where did you respond to it?

FWIW, I tend to feel that we have become a country of black and white and I don’t mean races - we don’t try to compromise and we’ve become so polarized that there’s very little chance of constructive change happening.

I am proud of my country - but that means I’m proud of the people in my country - not the political parties!  I’m proud of the way people have stepped up to the plate whether it’s through military service or Peace Corps service - whether it’s through volunteering at a soup kitchen or volunteering at church.  We are a nation of people who should be proud of how we step out to help people.  BUT I have to admit I’m not proud of our political system nor the way it has become extremist.  I’m now a registered Independent - I couldn’t stand either party’s platform nor the way they continually degraded the other party’s beliefs.  I think that too many people are looking for ways to sling mud and degrade the people who willing to step out and attempt to change our country.

I was willing to give two years to try to change the world.  I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Kenya and the first thing I was told when I got off of the plane was that I had just lost all of my first amendment rights.  I was shocked - I had taken those for granted for so long and now I didn’t have the freedom of speech, assembly, religion, press etc.  It was a shock and it made me realize how proud I was that I’m from a country where those freedoms are taken for granted.  I went on to work for 2 years in a little village, in extreme poverty, and hopefully, I made a small difference in the lives of my students.  Now I work with kids here in the US and still try to make a small difference in their lives.

Well Matty - here’s my response and thank you for giving me the opportunity to really examine my own feelings about our country and the people in it.

Well, Zanne tagged me this week with these instructions, so here it is …

(1) Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages)
(2) Open the book to page 123
(3) Find the fifth sentence
(4) Post the next three sentences
(5) Tag five people

Okay - I actually have about 7 or 8 books around me right now - I’ve been reading pretty voraciously lately (even for me) - but I chose this book cuz it’s been helping me with a project I’ve been working on for about a year now … LOLLLL:

1) The Fertility Diet by Jorge Chavarro MD and Walter Willett MD.

2-4) The fifth sentence is the start of the paragraph so I’m going to start with that:  A healthful diet generally delivers most of the micronutrients–vitamins and minerals–needed to keep the body’s systems operating smoothly.  There are special situations, though that demand more than what food can provide.  Older people who have trouble absorbing vitamin B12 need extra from pills.  Food can’t supply nearly enough vitamin D for people who don’t get out in the sun.  Conception and pregnancy are two other scenarios.  They require extra folic acid (one of the B vitamins), iron, and some of the other ingredients in a multivitamin-multimineral supplement.

I added an extra sentence but it finished out the paragraph.  Now for tagging five others - Steve, Alyssa, Matty, Dan, and whoever else reads this blog … LOLLLL.

I actually subbed yesterday - and yes - all the fears of what could happen - did happen! I was at the school to volunteer just to help Sara out - I got there and they were desperate for a 1/2 day sub for another 2nd grade classroom. There weren’t any sub plans and I was literally not prepared at all. I have to admit - I’m one of those people - I like to be totally prepared for something - I can handle unexpected things - but I like to be able to grab a quick breath in between and yesterday that didn’t really happen.

So anyway - I had a quick chance to plan out what to do with the kids with Sara over lunch time. I finished lunch and went into the classroom with the kids - I was a bit shaky starting, but I was able to really work with the kids. It was great - it was kind of like riding a bicycle - it’s been almost 10 years since I taught in the classroom - but I felt comfortable after a couple of minutes - it’s a good class for me to start out working with.

And the good news is that Sara is going to help me with setting up emergency lesson plans for every grade that I’ll be teaching. She’s also going to help me with identifying the different grade level requirements so I can start building a portfolio of lessons to utilize when I’m teaching.I feel really good about this new step in my life and I’m hoping I can really grow my teaching skills. Thanks everyone for the prayers!

Just a quick follow up to my last blog - I went to my interview and I guess I did good on it - as they called me that afternoon and asked me to come in and fill out the new hire paperwork the next day!!! WOOT WOOT! So I’ve finished all the paperwork and they just have to do the background check and then I’m hired as a substitute teacher! I’m still worried and a bit scared but I know I can get through it.

Also just finished a really awesome marriage conference - Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. He’s really funny, but he really gets his point across too. Steve and I really feel like we’ve been on the right path (we studied his book Love and Respect before we got married and have really tried to follow his teaching). We decided that to keep our marriage growing and healthy, we’re going to try to get to a marriage conference about every 2-3 years, just to help keep us on track. We’ve been to 2 conferences, FamilyLife’s A Weekend to Remember and the Love and Respect conference - and both have really given us tools to use to keep our marriage healthy.

It’s kind of interesting that so many things in my life are focused on health - I’m working out and losing weight, working on my marriage, working on getting right with friends, and emotionally working on letting out my feelings and not stuffing them down like I’ve done for most of my life. God’s really working in me these days and I’m curious about what He has ahead for me. Whatever it is, it’ll sure be interesting and life changing.

Life has been a bit difficult lately. I’m dealing with a lot of mixed up emotions. Steve and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now and each month is a roller coaster of ups and downs - am I pregnant or not? Then to add to that - I’ve been in a small group that I truly love but lately the discussions have been pretty negative. There are times where I feel like I can’t say something because I’ll get jumped all over. I’m trying to work through that and have met with the leaders, but I guess I still worry about what’s going to happen.

Along with that - a couple of weeks ago - I had a bit of a confrontation with one of the people in the small group and I need to meet with her and figure out how we can repair our relationship - but I’m really scared about a confrontation again. I don’t like being angry and I don’t want to take a chance on losing my temper - I’ve spent years working on controlling my temper and I’m afraid if the conversation turns negative that I’ll say something hurtful or worse. That’s a part of myself that I really don’t like.

To add to all this -I’ve got my substitute teacher’s license and have applied to work in a nearby school district - I’m already volunteering in a school - but I’m terrified to go sub, because I guess I don’t feel ready for it. A teacher friend was talking about tools in her toolbelt to teach from - and I don’t feel like I have any tools handy yet. And with everything else that’s happening, Steve’s dad is having hip replacement surgery next week - and my mom is having medical problems too. I just feel like these are just more things to worry about. I’m always telling Steve to give up his worries to God and I know I need to do the same thing - it just feels like every time I give something up to Him I get hit with another 10 things to worry about.

Okay - I have to share this with my friends - and hopefully get some encouragement!  I started working out with a friend two weeks ago - she’s a personal trainer and she’s hoping to build her business.  So I’m working out with her 3 times a week - and I’m already seeing progress!  I have to admit between  health issues and stupid birth control patch (which I’m no longer on) I gained back most of the weight I lost about 5 years ago.   

I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life (including anorexia for over 10 years) and so I’ve been a bit frustrated that I couldn’t get it off by myself. So here it goes!  I’ve lost inches - I’m not really weighing myself right now - because I’m doing a lot of converting fat to muscle and my weight will fluctuate - but I’ve lost 1-1/2 inches off of my hips! 1/2 an inch off of my chest and waist!!! I’m so excited about this!   

Thanks Andi for having the bonfire where Gretchen and I talked about getting healthy! Anyway - I’m excited and I can’t wait to see how much better I’m going to feel (once all the pain from doing Gretchen’s exercises goes away ;-))