Lately, I’ve been encountering this verse – “Now Moses was keeping the flock … And the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed … But Moses said to God, ”Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”" (Exodus 3:1-2, 11). Moses felt inadequate to the task of leading Israel and God provided help for Moses.
I think God is telling me that He’s there for me, especially when I’m feeling inadequate. Over the last month, I’ve felt inadequate a lot – I’ve got a new son who I’m trying to understand and figure out. I’m also trying to figure out how to be a mom and a wife and still be me – all at the same time. One of the things Moses had to deal with is that he felt that he wasn’t the man to lead Israel out of Egypt. He had to rely on God for everything, because he in and of himself was not able to do anything that God asked of him.
Now, I’m not saying that I’m like Moses and am going to lead anyone anywhere, but I am called by God to be Joshua’s mom and Steve’s wife and over the last month, I’ve really felt that I can’t do those two things in and of myself – I need to rely on God to strengthen me and teach me to be a good wife and mother. God keeps providing me with resources to grow, friends who are walking along side me while I’m trying to figure these things out – and other adoptive moms who are willing to share what they’ve gone through and offer suggestions on how to deal with some of the problems that have come up.
One of the other things I’ve been noticing is that I’m learning more about Joshua during the difficult times, than during the easy times. When Joshua first arrived home, he was a “happy” baby – in other words he tried to entertain and amuse us. I don’t know if it was because he was trying to keep us happy and thereby we’d feel and take care of him or whether it was because he was in such new unfamiliar surroundings that he wanted to explore and learn about, but either way, he was almost manic in his playing and his movements.
This got especially bad the closer we got to bedtime – he’d almost become a blur moving from toy to toy in an effort to stay awake. Then over the 3rd week, we started to get glimpses of the “real” Joshua – he’d slow down and cuddle with me, or he’d play quietly with me or one of his toys. We also started to see his personality – a more thoughtful, quieter side – peek through. But through all of this – naptimes/bedtimes were still the hardest times for us – he seems to have a real dislike of sleep – and in the middle of the night – when I’m barely awake and am stumbling around trying to change his diaper and get him a bottle – a battle of wills is not my favorite thing.
But last night, as I was trying once again to get him back to sleep – I just had to lean on God for my strength and His peace (which passes all understanding) to remain calm and soothing for my son. Again, this morning when he woke up at 5:45 and wouldn’t go back to sleep, I had to remember that God is in charge of everything and I just need to rely on Him. He will direct my path and as long as I’m willing to “go with the flow” and not stick tight to my plans, I will have a much better time of it.
So all this to say that I’m tired but I’m more at peace right now than I have been in months – I’m still in the valley, but that’s fine – that’s where God is doing His best work in me.